Let's talk about sex

Let's talk about sex, though 'sex' might not be entirely accurate (since I never have any of it). Specifically,  I'd like to talk about how sex and relationships have worked in my experience as a trans woman. There are a couple of things I've been asked, or heard, that pertain to sex and my transition - so I thought I'd answer them here.

I was going to write a blog post about this, but instead I made a YouTube video. Here are some of the things I talk about:

"Have you had the surgery yet?" If the answer is no, the person typically moves on. So you're attractive enough to fuck, but really, you're just a penis - since apparently that's all that matters.

"I respect trans people for being true to themselves - but I could never be with one"

"Why don't you check out a gay dating site like grindr?" You know, because you're still really a man.

And here's the video itself:

Brandsition

Fruit of the Loom undershirt. Joe Boxer, Izod, or Gap boxers. J. Crew shorts. The same worn leather belt I bought in Greece in the summer of 2001. Ralph Lauren Polo shirt. Boys XL (significantly cheaper than a Men's Small), in any color they make (I owned the rainbow). Sometimes just a Carolina t-shirt. Flip-flops. That was essentially my uniform for ten years. 

Crest Fresh Mint Pro-Health toothpaste. Mitchum roll-on deodorant/anti-perspirant. Gillette razors, Edge shaving gel. Herbal Essences shampoos and conditioners, and Garnier Surf Wax for styling. My travel kit for almost just as long. 

Tag Heuer dive watch. My only accessory, post-college graduation (before that it was a Victorinox watch).

These are the brands I grew up with, the brands I know. Now, post-transition, most all of those brands are gone. There clothes are too (except some of the smaller Carolina shirts). The travel kit still has the same toothpaste, but everything else changed, and there have been a lot of new additions. New deodorant (Dove). LOTS of different eyeliners, mascaras, powders, and so forth. Eye make-up remover (after a failed experiment with a second brand, I'm going back to Almay). I've tried a dozen different moisturizers/lotions. The cabinet under my sink is a graveyard for products that have failed the test in one way or another.

So as a marketer, this whole being a "new" woman thing is interesting to me. When I'm choosing new brands and products, why? I often used to shop based on unit price (and I still do for groceries), but now I'm more aware that sometimes you don't get more 'bang' for the buck (see failed eye-makeup remover experiment). So maybe it's exposure to advertising? Unlike many of friends who grew up as women, I haven't been *as* exposed to marketing for these categories as they have, but I'm still aware of many of the brands like Dove, Secret, Maybelleine, Cover Girl, and so forth. Though I never paid particular attention to their ads, I will admit that I did subconsciously pick up on gender cues from life that I've adopted rather quickly and unconsciously - so it's possible (and probable) that I did the same for brands.

When I ask a friend for her opinion on something, I recognize that she has been using the same product for several years, or has seen it on TV enough, that she believes it is the "best." Maybe it was passed on to her by her mother, her older sister, or her friends. For example, CHI flat-irons - which I've heard are "the best" from several sources. And maybe they *are* "the best," though it begs the question: by what metric? Effectiveness? Cost-effectiveness? The $40 off-brand one I bought off Amazon has been working great for me for the past year. I also know that reviews from "professional sources" are often useless or biased for a variety of reasons. I used to buy those reviews for work, and while the FCC has made laws for greater transparency, not everyone complies.

So will every purchase I make be influenced by my subconscious recall of ads and reviews? Recommendations? Reviews? Trial and error? Some combination thereof? Will I even be able to identify my rationale, or will it just happen?

transition timeline

So I used to make pictures like the one right here to track my progress, because looking at my face over several months shows how much change has actually taken place. Looking at my reflection in the mirror everyday while I brush my teeth masks a lot of the change, because they slowly blur together. You don't notice how much longer your hair has gotten, or how much your face has changed, on a day to day basis.

But instead of just the typical side-by-side photo comparison, I decided to try something new as I expand my multimedia empire (yeah, right). But I did make a YouTube transition video since I doubt that this blog will find a lot of traffic on it's own, so I wanted to make my transition more available to the general public and future (or current) transitioners to realize that - wow, it can get better. So without further hype, here's the video:

a new set of firsts

I recently read a wonderfully written coming out letter by the outgoing American University Student Body President. It reminded me a little bit of my own coming out letter from last year, though I feel she did a much better job articulating her experience. After reading it, I had mixed feelings. Though I was incredibly happy and excited for her, I was also slightly envious – not just of her writing ability, or the platform she has to make change – but because she’s doing this six years before I did. And when that last thought popped in my head, I recalled a comment someone made recently that bothered me: “I have some trans friends who are much further along [than you].”

What does that even mean? At this point I’m living full-time, legally, as a female, what else is there to do? Being ‘further along’ seems to suggest that there are still things left to do. I mean, I have to work on my voice and there are some surgeries to consider, but transition isn’t a race. Coming out isn’t a race. There’s no prize for being first, no harm in being last, and we’re not all even running the same race to begin with. That’s the point of being true to yourself, you get to march to the beat of your own drum instead of what others expect.